Category: Complementarianism

“Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God” by C.J. Mahaney

~ Bob Hayton ~ 2 Comments

This post finishes my review of Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God, by C.J. Mahaney, which I started here. I highly recommend this book, with but one caveat.

In Mahaney’s eagerness to use Song of Solomon as a Biblical description and instruction of marital intimacy, he falls prey to a wrong approach to interpreting that book. He pits an allegorical interpretation, which sees Christ and his Church as the key players in that song, against a “literal” interpretation, which sees Solomon talking about the joys of marital love. I am aware that some who used an allegorical interpretative scheme in approaching this book did so in such a way as to negate any application of what the song teaches about marital love. However, Mahaney’s approach, which is widespread and pervasive today, errs to an opposite extreme: in applying what the song says directly about marital love it denies any typographical use of the book. I see a third option, one which affirms that the book clearly praises the joys of marital love yet which also recognizes that Solomon’s Song is written within the framework of a redemptive history that the Bible records for us. And just as other Biblical stories foreshadow and describe the redemption Christ accomplished for His people, thereby enhancing our understanding of and appreciation of the Gospel (for instance Gal. 4:24ff.; 1 Cor. 10:4ff.; Rom. 15:4; Luke 24:27, 44-45ff.; and the obvious typography of the Tabernacle and offerings–whole book of Hebrews; see this category of posts for more information), so too the Song of Solomon may rightly be seen to describe the anti-type of which marriage is only a picture. Indeed all marriages are a picture of the abiding covenant love and joyful relationship between Christ and His Bride, the Church (Eph. 5:31-32); and hence it would be proper to see Christ and His Church as ultimately referred to in this beautiful love poem.

Let me not fail to stress here that this really is an absolutely wonderful book on marriage. You need to get it and read it, especially if you are a husband—and even more so if you have already been married for some time. Below I will mention some specific points in the  book which I appreciated, beyond what I have already written. But before I do, I should refer you to a more competent review that what you will see here. Tim Challies has a good review at DiscerningReader.Com; however he may not agree with my caution concerning Mahaney’s interpretational approach to Song of Solomon. Now on to my excerpts and comments on the last four chapters of the book.

More than “The Act”

Most of the book teaches us men how to romance our wives and how to communicate effectively our love to them. Yet it purports to be a book about sex. Mahaney stresses that this is no contradiction: sex is more than just “the act”.

You see, what we express…and how we behave toward our wives in the days and hours before we make love is actually far more important than what we do when the clothes come off…Everything I say to my wife teaches her something about how I value her. Every touch, every kiss on the cheek, every note and gift, every brief phone call—as well as every act of selfish neglect—expresses something about my heart….So, to talk about romantic communication and creativity is not to delay talking about sex. It is to talk about what makes for the best sex.

Communication and sex are inseparable. It’s not as though sex is one thing and communication is something else. Life doesn’t divide into neat little compartments like that, especially when it comes to the oneness of marriage. It’s all one thing. (58-59)

Carefully Composed Words

I found Mahaney’s chapter on “The Language of Romance” to be very interesting. I was challenged to be more intentional in how I communicate with my wife, and to stop neglecting poetry as a means of arousing her love. I used poetry frequently before we were married, I should therefore use it even more, now that we are. Listen to Mahaney on this point:

…[Song of Solomon shows us] a category of communication set apart from the stuff of daily life….It is highly intentional, creative, provocative, erotic language. It’s purpose is to arouse romantic passion—to inflame slowly and intentionally, all the while honoring and delighting one’s spouse….Long before they begin to enjoy one another’s bodies, they excite one another’s minds with tender, creative speech. They model for us what it means to feel sexual passion and to articulate that passion. The language is highly poetic, romantically expressed, and exceptionally creative and imaginative. It is also unmistakably sexual.

The best sex begins with romance, and the best romance begins with the kind of speech we read in the Song of Solomon. It begins with carefully composed words….

Far from scorning carefully composed words, I should accept the lesson of Solomon’s Song and learn how to use them. Poetic language is a gift from God that can help me promote godly romance with my wife!

…How many times in the past week or month have you spoken to your wife in ways that she found to be romantically and perhaps erotically arousing? (60, 69-70)

Does Natural mean Not Spiritual?

Should lovemaking within marriage be considered a fundamentally spiritual activity? I believe the answer is an unqualified yes.

Is there a case to be made from Scripture that lovemaking is any less important to a marriage than praying together, studying the Bible together, or even attending church together? I don’t think so….

…let’s not see sex as merely a permissible part of marriage or something to be tolerated. Sex in marriage is mandatory and something to be celebrated! (See 1 Corinthians 7:35; Ephesians 5:31) Sex was created for marriage, and marriage was created in part for the enjoyment of sex. (74-75)

A Realistic Approach

…I am confident that a consistently God-glorifying approach to marital intimacy can improve any couple’s sex life significantly. But let’s keep in mind that we’re human, with limitations….On the subject of sexual expectations, Douglas Wilson has pointed out that while some meals are steaks, and some are macaroni and cheese, both are enjoyable. That’s wise counsel. So let your expectations be realistic, and enjoy. (87)

The Love Behind the Sex

Mahaney pointed out something about Song of Solomon that I had never considered. He stressed that Song of Solomon, while highly erotic, is a book about marital love. And he draws some important conclusions from that seemingly inconsequential point.

It’s remarkable how Solomon’s language, while obvious in its intent, is never biologically specific in a way that could be considered vulgar or clinical….that fact is itself full of meaning. Although sexual intercourse is certainly an ultimate expression of a married couple’s erotic encounter, it is not the outstanding central feature of this book. What is dominant in the Song is not any particular physical act. The book is not about sexual intercourse. Rather, it is about the remarkable nature of the couple’s overall relationship—in all its romance, yearning, desire, sensuality, passion, and eroticism….they do not desire to be together simply so they can experience sexual gratification. They want to be together because they are in love, albeit a powerful one…. (88-89)

A Word to Wives

I wanted lastly to mention that there is a great “word to wives” section written by C.J’s wife Carolyn. It is for the most part a reproduction of chapter 7 in her book Feminine Appeal. I read that section, too, and was impressed by Carolyn Mahaney’s wisdom. It like the entire book, is not so much a manual on how to make love, as it is an encouragement to have a deep and lasting joyful relationship with your mate which includes a proper valuing and enjoyment of sex.

This book is available for purchase at the following sites: Amazon.com or direct from Crossway.

Loving and Serving Both Wife and Family

~ Bob Hayton ~ 4 Comments

I’m terrible with books. I pick one up and put one down. I start one, two, three and take forever to finish them. I haven’t finished the books showcased  on my sidebar yet, and already have begun others. That is the way I am, and I am trying to get better.

Anyway, I recently picked up the book Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God: What Every Christian Husband Needs to Know by C.J. Mahaney. I was planning on giving it to someone for a wedding gift, and then I started reading it for myself. It is very quick reading and I’m already almost half way done. Since posts around here have been too rare lately, I thought I could post some thoughts about what I’ve been thinking as I have started this book.

About the Book.

Yes, as the title indicates, the book is about sex. And it focuses on Song of Solomon. But I have read 50 pages and still have not come to the sex part. While I would not say sex is not important and good, I was not looking for a sex manual or anything. And this book is certainly not that. It really only contains 2 chapters which deal with that subject. No, this book is more of a theology of marriage which provides just the right backdrop for a look at how Solomon deals with sex.

I haven’t read the whole thing yet, but it looks like one of the best books I have read on the topic. It sets sex in the proper and Biblical context in which God intended it to be so great. And it calls men—Christian men—to love and romance their wife. It calls us to lead in deepening our marriages and strengthening the love we share with our wives.

The Purpose of Marriage.

Mahaney reminded me afresh of the true purpose of marriage. Ephesians 5:31-32 says, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” So marriage then is intended to be a picture of how Christ relates to his Church. Let me quote Mahaney at this point, since his words are much more adequate than mine:

Please don’t think of this as merely a helpful illustration or an interesting perspective. It’s much more than that. This is the essence of marriage. This is the divine purpose for your marriage….

So we see that there is a purpose in marriage that goes beyond personal fulfillment. Something of the selfless love, care, and sacrifice that Jesus shows toward the Church is supposed to be evident in you as you relate to your wife. Something of the respect, submission, and devotion that the Church shows toward Jesus is supposed to be evident in your wife as she relates to you. That’s the purpose for your marriage. That is why God has given her to you, and you to her. [pp. 23-25; underlined emphasis was italic in original]

Romancing Your Wife.

The part of the book which has been most helpful and most challenging so far has been its call for men to romance their wives. Mahaney encourages us to plan and work at delighting our wife in any number of small yet meaningful ways. He provides practical pointers and suggestions and strongly encourages a weekly date of some kind.

The truth he wants us to remember, if nothing else from this book is this: “In order for romance to deepen, you must touch the heart and mind of your wife before you touch her body.” [emphasis his, page 28]

In this section he provides a must-ask question: “Do you feel more like a mother or a wife?” [pg. 29]

Concerning this point he continues:

There can be a selfish, sinful tendency among husbands to view their wives as a goal that, once achieved, is then taken for granted. That is how a wife with children comes to feel primarily like a mother. And that is why the very idea of asking a question like this can cause many husbands to swallow hard and consider going off to watch a little TV. But please don’t—I want this to be an encouragement to you.

…A variety of legitimate activities may consume huge quantities of your wife’s time….But whatever your situation, if you make it a priority to love and care for your wife as Christ does the Church…God will touch her heart so that, even when surrounded by diapers, dishes, and diseases, she can answer that question with joy: “I feel more like a wife.”

…Motherhood is exceptionally important. It calls for immense sacrifices and deserves great honor. But I can say with full conviction that according to Scripture, motherhood is never to be a wife’s primary role. In fact, I think the most effective mothers are wives who are being continually, biblically romanced by their husbands. [pg. 30]

Loving and Serving Your Family.

Finally, I wanted to quote just a brief story Mahaney shares which was a challenge and encouragement for me to remember that I am to love and serve my wife and family as Christ serves and loves the Church.

When our first two children were still quite young, I realized that my commute home in the evening was functioning as little more than a review of my day. As far as I was concerned, by the time I got in that car, my responsibilities were pretty much over until the next morning. I saw my home as a refuge, a place where the emphasis, for me, was on being served rather than on leading and serving with Christlike love.

In God’s mercy, he showed me the selfish motivation I was bringing home each evening. I saw that my commute could be best utilized as a time of transition, so that I might be prepared to finish the day by loving and serving my family well.

So I made a practice of pulling the car over a few blocks from my home so I could take a couple of minutes to make an effective transition in my soul. There on the side of the road, I meditated on Ephesians 5 as well as on some other passages. I confessed to God my sinful tendency to be selfish and sought to prepare my heart to serve my wife and children when I arrived home. In this way I learned to see my home as the context where I have my greatest privilege and opportunity to serve…. [pp. 50-51]

Read part 2 ofthis review.

Wayne Grudem on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

~ fundyreformed ~ 2 Comments

Christian Manhood & Womanhood

This past weekend my church (Bethlehem Baptist Church) sponsored a seminar on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. It was taught by Dr. Wayne Grudem of Phoenix Seminary. He was influential together with John Piper in the founding of the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. I recently added their journal to my sidebar, by the way.

The seminar was excellent. It consisted of a Friday night session and two Sat. morning sessions. I plan on posting my notes from all 3 sessions. So here are the notes from the first session.

Manhood and Womanhood in Creation and Marriage:
5 Key Issues

  1. Men and women are equal in value and dignity. Gen. 1:27; Gal. 3:28
    • This corrects the error of male dominance/superiority.
  2. Men and women have different roles in marriage as part of the created order.
    • Note to singles: No where does the Bible say all women are to be subject to all men.
    • The primary relationship picture of the relation between men and women in a church is brother and sister–which implies no subjection.
    • Marriage is good, but God teaches us that some are called to be celibate for His sake (and this is also good).
    • 10 proofs that male headship in marriage was ordained before the Fall.
    1. Order — Adam created first then Eve. Gen. 2:7, 18-26 (cf. 1 Tim. 2:13)
    2. Representation — Adam represented all mankind (even though Eve sinned first). 1 Cor. 15:22
    3. Naming of Woman — Adam named her “woman”. Gen. 2:23
      • The Hebrew idea of the word “call” involves authority–see its use in Gen. 1 where God named the earth and seas, etc.
    4. Naming of the Human Race — God named it “man” not “woman” or even a generic Hebrew word for “people” or “humankind”. Gen. 5:1-2 (this recounts what happened before the Fall)
      • The Hebrew word for “man” is “Adam”.
    5. Primary Accountability — Adam responsible chiefly for the sin. Gen. 3:9 (also Rom. 5:12ff.)
    6. Purpose — Eve was a helper for Adam. Gen. 2:18-22
      • “Helper” is not a demeaning term for God is called “helper” often in Scripture.
      • Eve was to help Adam in hisresponsibility.
    7. Conflict — The curse brought distortion of previous roles not an introduction of new roles. Gen. 3:16
      • “Desire for” can mean “desire against”. The phrase is only used 3 times in the OT, and only 2 times in Moses’ writings: here (Gen. 3:16) and Gen. 4:7. Just like sin desires to control and use you, the woman will be naturally tempted to control and oppose her husband.
      • The word for “rule” in 3:16 has the connotation of oppress or dominate by strength. This is surely not what the Scriptural idea of godly male headship should look like. This too is a tendency after the fall in men, to dominate and oppress their wives.
      • The curse brought pain in Adam’s responsibility–getting food from the ground; pain in Eve’s responsibility–child bearing; and pain in their relationship.
    8. Restoration — Salvation in Christ restores the created order. Col. 3:18-19
      • Submission not opposition on the part of the wife.
      • Love not harshness on the part of the husband.
    9. Mystery — Marriage from the beginning of creation was a picture of the relationship between Christ and His church. Eph. 5:31
      • A mystery is something hinted at in the OT and explained fully only in the NT.
      • So marriage is meant to be a pattern of Christ and the church–and that relationship obviously includes submission to Christ’s authority.
      • This means that submission is NOT culturally variable, since the relationship between Christ and his church is not culturally variable.
    10. Parallel with the Trinity — The equality, differences, and unity between men and women reflect the equality, differences, and unity in the Trinity. 1 Cor. 11:3
    • How does this look in practice?? How does it work?
      • The following chart demonstrates the Biblical ideal contrasted with various errors we as fallen humans tend toward.

      Click to expand table

    • In addition to leadership roles, the Bible teaches primary responsibilities.
      • The husband is to provide for and protect his wife and family.
      • The wife is to nurture the children and care for the home.
  3. The equality and differences of men and women reflect the equality and differences in the Trinity. 1 Cor. 11:3
    • 1 Cor. 11:3 compares the Son’s submission to the Father with a wife’s submission to her husband.
    • Jesus did not complain that His Father’s having the role of leader within the Trinity was unfair. Rather he said, “I desire to do thy will” (Ps. 40:8)
    • When did the idea of headship and submission begin?
      • 1987?? (when the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood was founded) NO
      • With the OT patriarchs?? NO
      • At the Fall in Gen. 3?? NO
      • With the created order in Eden?? NO!!
      • Answer: It never began. It has always existed within the eternal fellowship of the Trinity.
    • This shows us that authority is not based on gifts or value but rather role.
    • Submission to authority is noble–this virtue has been demonstrated eternally in the glad fellowship and unity of the Triune Eternal God.
    • Submission to authority does not exclude the mutual giving of honor.
    • Due to this verse–1 Cor. 11:3, some egalitarians/evangelical feminists (even evangelicals!!) have begun to tamper with the doctrine of the Trinity–saying the Father actually submits to the Son and that “mutual submission” exists in the Trinity.
  4. The equality and differences between men and women are very good.
    • The created order is fair.
    • The created order is best for us.
    • The created order is beautiful and “very good”.
    • Because of the controversy surrounding our culture and this Biblical teaching, we do not rejoice in this as we ought.
    • Equality, differences, and unity beautifully coexist in the glory of human sexuality within marriage and it brings joy.
  5. Our view of manhood and womanhood is a watershed issue that tests our obedience to the Bible.
    • Evangelical feminism/egalitarianism does not advance on the strength of exegetical arguments.
    • Egalitarianism advances through:
      • incorrect interpretations
      • reading into Scripture things that are not there
      • incorrect assumptions about the meanings of words
      • incorrect assumptions about world history
      • methods of interpretation that reject the authority of Scripture and tend toward liberalism [for instance denying the authority of Gen. 1-3–this is even being done by “evangelicals” to defend egalitarian principles.]
      • rejecting Scripture as our authority and deciding on the basis of personal experience or private revelations
      • suppression of information [particularly in the local battles within particular churches, as egalitarian pastors try to push their ideas through]
    • Evangelical feminism has 2 significant allies:
      • much of secular culture
      • Christian leaders who are complementarian [this word describes the position taken by CBMW] yet they lack courage to teach their views or to take a stand in the controversy. (note Acts 20:26-27)

∼striving for the unity of the faith for the glory of God∼ Eph. 4:3,13 “¢ Rom. 15:5-7