Book Excerpt: Sam Crabtree on Not Rewarding Disobedience

I recently finished a helpful little book on parenting by Sam Crabtree, Parenting with Loving Correction: Practical Help for Raising Young Children. In a chapter entitled “Reward Obedience, Not Disobedience” Crabtree shares the following pointed anecdote.

A friend of ours stopped by our house with her elementary school-aged son. As she stood chatting with my wife, Vicki, the boy climbed onto the back of the couch.

“Neil, get down off the couch,” the mother said.

The boy sat there unmoved as she continued to chat.

“Neil, get down off the couch,” she repeated, then kept talking with Vicki about other things.

The boy visibly stiffened his resolve. On his face and in his posture, you could see it: of all the things in the world Neil could do, he wasn’t going to get down from that couch.

The game was on.

“Neil, if you don’t get down off that couch, Sam and Vicki aren’t going to like you.”

Frankly, that’s irrelevant. To Neil, whether we like him or not was immaterial. (We like him. Years later I officiated at his wedding.)

The boy stayed put. Neil’s defiance had become the issue — not the couch, and not Sam and Vicki. The mother started digging in her purse. “Here, Neil, I’ll give you this candy bar if you get down off the couch.” When she pulled out the candy bar, he hopped down and fetched the candy bar.

Checkmate.

Mom loses.

Get this: she may think she’s rewarding him for his obedience. Actually, she’s paying him to disobey her. guess what she’s going to get lots more of?

Neil was obeying not his mother, but his sweet tooth. And the mother was catering to that….

…If you’re startled at the thought that you might actually be rewarding rebellion, whining, sassiness, and disobedience in your child, keep reading. None of us wants to be a parent that rewards the wrong thing in our child. This chapter can help you avoid that.

(p. 77-79 – italics and bold emphasis added)

The rest of the book is as on-point as the anecdote above. And while Crabtree’s diagnosis is sharp, his bedside manner is quite mild. I highly recommend his book (and hope to review it more fully later).

You can pick up a copy of this new book by Mohler from Amazon.com, Westminster Bookstore, Christianbook.com, or direct from Crossway Books.

Disclaimer: This book was provided by the publisher. I was under no obligation to offer a positive review.

Book Briefs: “This Changes Everything: How the Gospel Transforms the Teen Years” by Jaquelle Crowe

It’s not often that you stumble across a book written by a teenager for teenagers — and the book is really well done. This Changes Everything: How the Gospel Transforms the Teen Years by Jaquelle Crowe is just such a rare book.

Crowe tells her own story as she prods her fellow teenage readers to follow Christ faithfully. She hits on the importance of finding value in Christ and seeing yourself as part of God’s story. She stresses the importance of belonging to a church and of striving for holiness and growth. She adds a multitude of personal anecdotes and illustrations that flesh out the nuts-and-bolts of how to live a Gospel-transformed life. The book includes graphics and charts and looks inviting. Discussion questions are included at the end of each of the chapters as well.

The Gospel does change everything, and if teenagers can grapple with that reality while they are still young — the results can be life-impacting. This book can be used with small groups and Sunday School classes, or picked up by a Christian teen who is looking for some substance to add to their faith.

I was impressed by the books Crowe quotes or mentions — all quality titles. And her reflections on Scripture and grasp of doctrine are praiseworthy. She guides the reader rightly and points the way for further study. She also demonstrates an appropriate admiration for her parents and the role they play in her faith, yet she is aware that not every reader shares her faith-filled upbringing. This is both a strength and a shortcoming, I believe. She moves in a home-school world full of Christian influence and for those in a similar world she will speak as an insider. Her message may be harder to apply to those attending public schools without a strong Christian network, unfortunately. But it is still the right message for all to hear.

I highly recommend this brief volume. I’m encouraging my own teenagers to read and interact with this book.

Disclaimer: this book was provided by the publisher for review. The reviewer was under no obligation to provide a positive review.

This book is available for purchase at the following sites: Westminster Bookstore, Christianbook.com, Amazon.com, or direct from Crossway.

About Book Briefs: Book Briefs are book notes, or short-form book reviews. They are my informed evaluation of a book, but stop short of being a full-length book review.

In the Box: New Titles from Crossway Books

“In the Box” posts highlight new books I’ve received in the mail.

In this post, I want to showcase two of the new titles that at arrived at my doorstep in the last few weeks. I’m truly blessed to be able to read so many great books, and Christian publishers seem to never let up in their race to get high quality materials out the door. We are truly blessed with an abundance of Christian resources to help us in our walk with Christ.

The Love of Loves in the Song of Songs by Philip Ryken

This book is a meditation on Song of Solomon, and helpfully includes the entire biblical text (ESV) of that book. Ryken’s style is easy to read and he shares a wealth of insight from others on this fascinating (and often troubling) book. I appreciate that from the start he does not shy away from appreciating the parallels between Christ and the Church that have historically dominated the interpretation of this book, even as he rejects outright allegoricalism. He also does not eagerly proclaim the book as a manifesto on sexual liberation either, finding its instruction on marital love appropriately muted by the poetic nature of the book, and not as graphic or explicit as quite a few modern writers envision.

UPDATE: Read my review of this book here.

For more about this book, check out the book’s product page at Westminster Bookstore, Christianbook.com, Amazon or Crossway Books.

Note: This book is currently 50% off at Westminster Bookstore.

Parenting with Loving Correction: Practical Help for Raising Young Children by Sam Crabtree

The next Crossway title I received is by Pastor Sam Crabtree of Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis (where I was a member for several years). Knowing Pastor Crabtree personally, I am eager to dig into this work. Like the title of his other book Practicing Affirmation, Pastor Sam is warm and encouraging, and I expect his parental advice to be refreshing and uplifting – while also insightful.

To learn more about this book, check out the book’s product page at Westminster BookstoreChristianbook.com, Amazon, or Crossway Books.

Note: This book is currently 40% off at Westminster Bookstore through Feb 28.

“Broken Pieces and the God Who Mends Them: Schizophrenia Through a Mother’s Eyes” by Simonetta Carr

Broken Pieces and the God Who Mends Them: Schizophrenia Through a Mother's Eyes by Simonetta CarrFew things are more distressing and perplexing than mental illness. In generations past, the mentally ill were shut away from all hope in insane asylums; and the actions of “lunatics” were often blamed on demons or devilry. Today medical knowledge has grown concerning the brain’s role in mental illness, and the help that various medications can provide has offered hope to the afflicted. Yet even still, society as a whole often continues to ignore and shun the mentally ill and their loved ones. Mental illness is sanitized through the institutionalization (or even incarceration) of its sufferers; or it is under-estimated in its effect, leading to dire consequences for those who are unable to find real help through the current medical system. The Church amplifies this problem, both by holding on to assumptions related to demonic causality and by being skeptical of psychiatry and medications. The result is a myriad of silent sufferers, both in and outside of our churches.

Slowly the tide is turning however. More and more the stigma is being lifted for afflictions such as clinical depression and schizophrenia. An understanding exists that depression may be medically induced, after all Christians get depressed too! Similarly, sufferers of schizophrenia can be helped through medicine and therapy. And slowly the Church is waking up to this reality. And this awakening is largely due to people who have suffered/are suffering the impacts of mental illness and who are speaking out and calling for the Church to be a real help.

Simonetta Carr is just such a person. In her new book Broken Pieces and the God Who Mends Them: Schizophrenia Through a Mother’s Eyes, she bares her soul in telling us the gripping story of her son’s brief (and tragic) battle with schizophrenia. In a poignant account she recounts what it is like from a parent’s perspective to see your college-aged child brought to their knees through this illness. She highlights the very real shame and loneliness that confront the mentally ill and their loved ones. And she testifies to how her faith in the sovereignty of God and an “already, not yet” hope combined to keep her going through the darkest of times. By the end of the story, the reader is broken with her as she grieves over her son’s untimely death.

Yet this emotional and very personal story, is not an end in itself. Carr goes on to help those who follow behind her in dealing with mental illness. The second part of the book is full of advice and explanation, resources and admonitions — it is a road-map for those who must follow in her steps dealing with the particulars of schizophrenia or other similar mental illnesses. She shares the stories of other parents or patients, and even some pastors — and mixes in quotes from experts and doctors and many an old-time preacher or Reformation-era writing.

This book is a joy to read and will be treasured by those caring for loved ones and friends who are mentally ill. No matter what stage you are in, newly diagnosed or even in bereavement, this book will be a balm for your soul. It can benefit the non-Christian reader, but is especially relevant for the Christian. Perhaps no darker storm or more grievous trial can be found than mental illness, and Simonetta Carr will help you hold onto your faith and joy through all of the ups and downs ahead of you.

Here is a sampling of some of her advice:

I wanted to be there, in mind if not in body, as if I were the only one who could shield my son — as if my thoughts, prayers, and actions were indispensable to his protection. (p. 267)

The sooner we realize that we are not our loved ones’ saviors and can’t provide an answer to all their needs, the easier both our lives and theirs will be. We will be able to relax and persevere on our course, because we will not be leaning on our own strength. (p. 281)

We have the comfort of knowing that God is faithful in leading his children and that our wrong decisions cannot thwart his plans. “For those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Rom. 8:28). (p. 262)

Both in her story and her advice, Carr models a life that places a high priority on personal attendance and fellowship with a church. Her testimony of working with her church pastors and elders, and celebrating marks of grace in her son’s life were particularly helpful. The quotes by pastors and elders that she shares deserve a wide audience, as it truly is in connection with a church that sufferers and their families should find the deepest support and lasting peace.

Along these lines, Carr emphasizes advocacy and helping both the Church and the community to change their attitudes to the mentally ill. Her advice gets very practical, pointing out support groups and organizations that can help — or that may need additional volunteers. Her book also includes an annotated list of books and other resources.

I appreciated her balanced approach when it comes to evaluating the role of medicine and therapy, and dealing with spiritual issues as well. She also touches on the Christian counselor question: are Christian counselors automatically best? She warns that “greater caution” may be needed with Christian counselors as to what theology they will employ among other concerns (p. 227). I did have one small quibble with her declaration that Christians cannot be demon possessed (p. 202). This is a point of disagreement among some Christian scholars. I agree with Carr but she doesn’t acknowledge the debate or give her reasoning for her conclusion.

Broken Pieces is a one of a kind resource that I hope will bless many who suffer from mental illness. I believe churches need to be better at caring for the mentally ill and their families, and this book has the potential to educate and inform Church leaders to that end. I highly recommend it.

Learn more about the book by reading the interview of the author included here, or by perusing the links below.

Where to Buy:

Disclaimer: This book was provided by the publisher. The reviewer was under no obligation to offer a positive review.

Great New Resource on Battling Schizophrenia from P&R Publishing

Broken Pieces and the God Who Mends Them: Schizophrenia Through a Mother's Eyes by Simonetta CarrNext week, P&R Publishing will be launching a helpful resource on understanding and dealing with schizophrenia. Broken Pieces and the God Who Mends Them: Schizophrenia Through a Mother’s Eyes is written by Simonetta Carr who shares a moving account of her son’s experience with schizophrenia. I’ve just finished reading an advance reader’s copy and was deeply affected by her story and encouraged by her faith in the midst of such dark storms. Not only does she recount the tragic story of her son, but she brings together a wealth of resources from a Christian perspective. Look for my full review to come closer to the official launch date (Feb. 1).

Here are some of the recommendations included in the book’s front pages:

Book Blurbs:

“The most honest and deeply moving Christian book I’ve read in a long time. Simonetta opens up her broken heart to show us the painful darkness and agonizing tragedy of serious mental illness. But she also opens the door of hope and help for other families by sharing the hard-won knowledge and resources she discovered both in the common grace of God and in the church of God. May this book transform her beloved son Jonathan’s death into life for many others.” ~ David Murray, Professor of Old Testament and Practical Theology, Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary, Grand Rapids; Author, Christians Get Depressed Too

Broken Pieces and the God Who Mends Them is the poignant story of a mother’s emotional and spiritual journey alongside her son as he battles with cannabis abuse and schizophrenia. Simonetta Carr writes powerfully and movingly as she chronicles her son’s decline into mental illness, his change of character, her daily anxiety and guilt, and the effects of his illness on the rest of the family. The book is not only a medical voyage down the corridors of doctors, psychiatrists, and hospitals but also a spiritual pilgrimage through the Gospels. With the help of her church and Christian friends, the author leads us down an important path of how to come to terms with mental illness on many levels. This book is an essential resource and guide for anyone living with or around schizophrenia.” ~ Jonathan Aitken, Former UK Cabinet Minister; Author, John Newton: From Disgrace to Amazing Grace

“The most inspiring story I’ve ever read. Here is a woman who has suffered the greatest pain a woman can be said to suffer—the loss of her child. And yet that loss has refined and beautified her in a way that leaves the beholder awestruck at the mercy and goodness of God. This is a story of how God’s grace and love really can and do sustain his people through even the most agonizing times—even redeeming them to sanctify and glorify.” ~ Brooke Ventura, Assistant Editor, Modern Reformation

“A Christian mother’s moving, practical, courageous, and eloquent reflections on the emotional turmoil involved in caring for a son with schizophrenia. She takes the reader deep into wrestling with all the emotions and questions that are raised by such a devastating illness. This is by far the best book I have encountered that combines wise personal, medical, psychological, historical, and deeply theological insights on a controversial topic. A great resource for families, students, and professionals.” ~ Richard Winter, Psychotherapist; Professor Emeritus of Applied Theology and Counseling, Covenant Theological Seminary, St. Louis

You can pre-order this book at any of the following sites and learn more from perusing the sample pages included (as pointed out below):

Where to Pre-order:

UPDATE: It is also available for order now from Westminster Bookstore.

Disclaimer: This book was provided by the publisher. The reviewer was under no obligation to offer a positive review.

UPDATE: Read my review of this book here.