It boggles my mind that so many Christians today are convinced that divorce is a viable option for them. They agree that the Bible generally frowns on divorce, and that it isn’t best. But in their situation…. If we just knew how rough they had it, we’d understand!
To those in that place, let me offer some advice. Here are 10 points I pray you’d consider carefully before you ever contemplate divorce. [And I’m referring to divorce without any Biblical warrant such as adultery or abandonment.]
1) If you claim that Jesus is your Lord, ask yourself this: “Does my Lord and Master agree with me on this decision? Does Jesus really want me to divorce my spouse?”
2) If you think He does agree with you, then look a little more closely at the following Bible passage:
And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”… And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery. (Matt. 19:3-6, 9)
Jesus, our Lord, makes it very clear that divorce for just any old reason is not permissible.
3) You might say, “that is just your interpretation of this passage.” To that, I would reply with a question. “How then, can you know anything about God, salvation, eternal life or anything?” If you can’t take God at His Word here, and you prefer to twist it to allow an exception for yourself, who’s to stop you from twisting any other passage? And who’s to say we’re not wrong about everything when it comes to Christianity?
4) Now let me try a different approach. Consider Jesus and His bride, the church. All believers are part of His church — we are His bride. Aren’t you glad Jesus hasn’t left you? Can you even contemplate the possibility that Jesus would leave you?
5) If we are thankful that Jesus loves us, and that He doesn’t leave us when the relationship doesn’t offer enough return on His investment, shouldn’t that influence how we treat our spouse? After all, Jesus’ forgiveness of our sin is the basis for our obligation to forgive others (Eph. 4:32). And even more soberly, if we don’t forgive others, we can not expect Jesus to forgive us (Matt. 6:14-15).
6) If you’re tracking with me even a little bit, I hope the following passage will perhaps connect with you more powerfully.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Eph. 5:24-26, 31-33)
No I’m not preaching at you here. No one lives up to the ideal presented in this teaching. Instead, look at the picture. Christ loves his church, and men ought to love their wives the same way. The church respects & submits to Christ, and wives ought so to respect their husbands. What will your divorce say about Christ and the church? How does what you’re about to do fit with this picture? As Christians we are to be “like Christ”. Divorce is entirely unlike Christ.
7) Here’s another angle, does a promise matter anymore? If you take back your promise to your spouse, do you think it’d be fine if Christ took back some of his promises to you? Isn’t this just a “lie” plain and simple? There may not be a more serious and damaging lie than the lie of divorce.
8) Another, and perhaps even more serious consideration focuses on the nature of sin. Sin is deceptive. It often feels right, but it isn’t. Sin can even give a temporary pleasure, but it won’t satisfy. The blatant sinner is one who convinces himself that there is very little sin in his actions. If you honestly think this divorce you are considering is not a terrible sin, you need to heed the warnings in the next 2 points.
9) Sin must be punished. Adultery (which is Jesus’ words for unwarranted divorce) is sin of the first degree. Adulterers don’t inherit the kingdom of God, unless they are washed and sanctified (1 Cor. 6:9-11). And people who claim to be washed and sanctified cannot lightly commit adultery, without risking serious injury to their soul.
10) You say, but this is all just so hard! You don’t know how hard this whole trial of a marriage has been. I do know. It’s not easy. Neither is fighting the sin of pornography, or any number of other sins which our sinful society so strongly encourages. It’s not easy to choose the narrow way that leads to life, and we aren’t promised a life full of roses with no thorns. The words of the author of Hebrews seem especially appropriate here.
…let us lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us…
Consider [Jesus] who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood…
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore, lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive… for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.
See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and casues trouble, and by it many become defiled; that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. For you know that afterward, when he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears. (Heb. 12:1b, 3-4, 11-17)
I want what’s best for you, really. I don’t want you to miss out on “the peaceful fruit of righteousness”, and the joy of seeing the Lord, because you didn’t like God’s painful discipline and couldn’t fight for “the holiness without which no one will see the Lord”. I fear you are ready to sell your birthright “for a single meal” and miss out on so much. And like Esau, you may find yourself crossing a line to the point of no return — a place where, when you come to your senses and even seek for a chance to repent, you won’t be able to. That is what I fear the most.
Friend, I hope these points will help you. And for those like me who know people considering divorce, may you find this article helpful. May God be pleased to intervene and gloriously change hearts and heal relationships.
What do you do when your spouse is simply no longer interested in you, in any sort of way? If you try to communicate and your simply ignored?
Carla,
I would not minimize their struggles one bit. Consolance and support is called for. Still confronting the spouse and seeking to work things out would eventually be one’s course of action – and finding help along the way too. I would believe that abandonment is biblical grounds for divorce, and spousal abuse would be. But many marital troubles are run from rather than dealt with, and so many give up before the years when statistically things get much better.
But looking at this from another angle, I’m glad God doesn’t run off on me whenever I’m feeling distant from Him. I’m glad he doesn’t file for divorce when my love wanes cold. He woos me with his love.
I don’t want to minimize this with pat answers. And counseling and help would be needed – and friends speaking into the couple’s life. But I can’t see Scripture allowing for divorce except for in cases of abandonment, grievous sin, or unfaithfulness to the marriage covenant.